So, as I mentioned in my last post, I was in Sweden, the land of IKEA, for a week for a family reunion. I got to meet an uncle and a cousin that I had never met before, which is kind of absurd since there isn’t any family drama and my dad only has 2 siblings; it’s not like he is one of 15 or something disgustingly insane like that. But anyways, this was my first visit to Sweden, and I made sure to be VIGILANT about spotting any international-style awkwardness. Unfortunately, I did not see anyone busting out the awkward turtle, or any other amazing hand gesture, such as the awkward turkey, but there was plenty of ridiculousness to be seen. Alas, here are my observations!
Language: In English, we have a few accents to make us seem worldy, academic, and pompously intelligent, such as in resume (I know I didn’t put them on the word, but I don’t know how to type them so calm the freak down) and a la carte. In Swedish though, there are like a million more! There is the circle above the a, which is pronounced as “oh,” the two dots above the o, which is pronounced as “eu,” and my favorite, the k followed by a vowel, which is pronounced as “sh.” Needless to say, it was very confusing trying to pronounce the words on signs, or trying to spell out what you were saying, and ultimately could potentially have resulted in extremely awkward situations. For example, you are a poor, befuddled American who wants to ask for the nearest payphone, and due to our ignorance regarding the Swedish language, you could end up saying something like “My nose pickles Zac Efron gay and Miley Cyrus skankbag.” The Swede would look at you confusedly, resulting in an uncomfortable sensation that turns your cheeks bright pink, and the only reaction your primal instincts are programmed to do in such a situation is to scamper away and put your head in the dirt like an ostrich.
Guys and Girls: This is perhaps the most alarming of all observations. My highly accurate, but American-developed gaydar was completely askew and errant. Why was this!? Men in manpris, gelled hair, pants that fit too well, and expensive designer t-shirts– characteristics that I typically attribute to a gay man. BUT ALL THE MEN LOOKED LIKE THIS! Maybe all European men are gay? But that can’t be because I saw men that looked like this walking around with their girlfriends, wives, and children (not all at the same time though). And the women! You imagine a European woman as glamorous, slim, and elegant. But these women looked like they put less effort into their appearance than the men, and they exuded a lesbian vibe. A lot of them had these gross mullet-esque haircuts with the hair longer on one side and shorter on the other, making you feel like you were surrounded by human-sized rats. Narsty. All in all, I was confused, and my gaydar was malfunctioning terribly, causing me to have a hard time searching for a hott European man to run away with and live happily ever after. Maybe next time.
Outdoor Shower: I would like to preface this rant by saying that this aspect does not apply to all of Sweden, just our particular summer cottage, but it was part of my Svenska (Swedish in Swedish) experience. Anyways, so I arrive at the summer cottage, which is surrounded by trees, overgrown grass and bushes, and all I want to do is take a shower after having traveled for approximately 15 hours (6 hour plane ride to Frankfurt, 7 hour layover in Frankfurt, and 2 hour flight to Sweden). But alas, it was not to be. I had to wait 2 more days because the outdoor shower that my dad and uncles built 6 summers ago was not set up yet. Now, this shower involved heating water on a stove, and then pouring it into a trash can-like receptacle, carrying it to the outdoor shower, and sticking a tube into the water. This tube then led to the shower head, and to get water to go through it, you had to pump a pedal with your foot. So there I was, 2 days after my arrival, trying to clean myself. Soap up. Pump, pump, pump. Shampoo away. Pump, pump, pump. Conditioner it. Pump, pump, pump. Hardly a relaxing, or rejuvenating experience. Not to mention, you are trying to get clean, but these bugs would be crawling around, or mosquitos would try to bite you, and THEN you had to walk through the woods, getting scraped by branches and brambles, to get back to the house. Oh! And to top it all off, when I walked back into the house, wrapped in a little towel, with twigs and leaves in my hair, I was greeted by a bunch of distant relatives that I have never met that came to visit. AWKWARD TURTLE TIME? I think yes.
Nude Beaches: You know, EuroTrip wasn’t that off with their portrayal of these falsely glamorized beaches. Now, I didn’t go to a nudeeee beach, but I would go to the ocean that was a half of a mile away, and sit on the uncomfortable rocks with spiders, ladybugs, bees and ants there to pester me, snuggle up on my towel, and begin to read my book while simultaneously trying to work on my tanizzle. Occasionally, I would smack a bug away, or look up to admire the mysterious and beautiful ocean when PHWOAR! NAKED PERSON. Apparently, because the wind is so strong and cold, when Swedes get out of the water, they just strip down in front of everyone, and put on bathrobes. Sure they cover up, but not immediately, and those few minutes are scarring! Especially because it’s all the oldies that do this! The tweens and teens don’t do this because they’re all self-conscious, and the babies do, but that’s ok because they are little, and babies always love to run around naked. Speaking of, when they had to go pee, their parents would just take off their underwear, and the little kiddies would traipse around, and then pee wherever they were. One time, my little 3rd cousin was running around in the backyard, and then we heard her say “kissay” (phonetic spelling. who knows how that is actually spelled!) and then her mom took her underwear off and then she did a split, and just started to pee on the lawn. She also did this on a rock right by the ocean after we had spread my grandfather’s ashes. I guess that’s what we call the circle of life. Kind of….
Well, that’s about it. I could keep telling anecdotes, but this will get too long, and all you lazy butts out there won’t read the rest, if you even got to this point. Moral of these anecdotes? AWKWARDNESS IS UNIVERSAL! BAM!
Le Awkward Turtle 
