Here we go folks! I know how much you need your fix of trashy celebrity news and criticism. Behold:
Kim Kardashian: Our bootylicious friend, Kim “Golden Shower” Kardashian, is at it again. She recently attended a McDonalds event that was held to celebrate the 40th anniversary of the Big Mac. She would. Look at that azzz and you can tell she’s had her share of Big Macs and Big MacDaddies, with a side of fries of course. And let me draw your attention to this g-Hetto outfit she has on. It’s like a safari guide meets a porn star. Where do you even find such a disgusting outfit? Put a shirt on! She clearly loves her tatas and believes that all her McDonalds fat munching has contributed to their plentifulness. I mean, look how pumped she is to be with that EPIC Big Mac cake! If her sister Khloe wasn’t the Incredible Hulk and demanded to eat three-quarters of the cake, then she would probably eat the whole thing! The Kardashians are the giants of the new millenium. Beware! There will probably be some weird Speilberg sci-fi thriller about them, and Tom Cruise will be the first one to get smooshed.
Nicole Richie: Aw damn. For a while she was actually dressing pretty nicely during that whole “I’m pregs and am glowing” stage. Now she is back to her atrocious wardrobe choices. Let’s take a look, shall we? As you can see, Nicole “Skeletor” Richie is wearing pants that are 5 sizes too big for her that just make her look shorter than she actually is. Where are her feet?! Show those fierce shoes that I know are hiding beneath! Come on, go to a tailor! Then we have the “I’m a tool, and wish I was a hippie” headband thingy, which is just lame. And finally, her signature BIG BUG EYE sunglasses. We barely get to see her without these insectilenses. Everything is just too big for her, making her look like an awkward mess/ a little kid dressing up in her mom’s clothes from the early 70s. Get with the times Miss. Richie.
Zac and Vanessa: All I have to say about this picture is that you KNOW he is saying “Do you think they know about me!?” And Vanessa replies with “Umm, yeah Zac. Wanna go shopping now? I think this appointment on the beach to promote the movie by seeming affectionate was over 5 minutes ago. I need to go send some more naked pictures to my real boyfriend out there.”
Miley Cyrus: Here she is at some charity event to make her seem like a wholesome person who is concerned with the world and the environment and starving children in Africa and so on, and so forth. What makes this picture awkward? HER SNAGGLE TEETH! With all this money she is getting from psyched tweens across the globe, you would think she would have enough money to get her teeth fixed! Stop trying to make the snaggle teeth your trademark. Kirsten Dunst has already tried that, and she is just slipping into B-List oblivion. SUMMARY: GET BRACES OR INVISALIGN. Maybe we should just tell her that more boys will want her if she has straight teeth, and she won’t have to take provocative pictures anymore. That might convince her.
Le Awkward Turtle 
