I anticipate that until Sunday, when the first images of Angelina’s Golden Children are revealed by People magazine, everything will be pretty tame. Then all hell will break loose. Celebs all over will be groveling for attention, but to no avail. VIvienne and Knox will outshine everyone from baby celebs to elderly celebs. Their halos will be blinding, as if you are staring in to the sweltering African sun at noon.
On a side note, when I first heard the names of The Golden Children I immediately thought to myself, “Self, Angelina totes named Vivienne, and Brad is responsible for the UBERMASCULINE name of Knox. Angieface wouldn’t think of such a testosterone laden name as Knox.” And you know what? I was right! Immediately reports came out saying that Angieface named Vivienne after her mom, and Knox is some name in Brad’s fam. ESP bitches!
Anyways, let’s get on to today’s celebrity ridicule.
Jesse McCartney: Talk about a blast from the past. This former tween flame emerged from the depths of OneHitWonderdom and graced us with his presence. He left Aaron Carter and Ryan Cabrera behind to cry with each other and braid each other’s sort-of-emo-but-mostly-pop girl hair. Jesse and his pallid skin look a little worse for the wear. OneHitWonderdom is no Wonderland. Your once plentiful and healthy bank account plummets drastically as you buy ridiculously expensive clothes, and convince yourself that you can take your 23rd vacation of the year. The coke habit also totally pulverizes what few thousand dollars you had left. Take a look at Exhibit A below. Jesse is sporting some mysterious white powder stains on his pants, which I daresay is cocaine. He obviously is trying to be with the “in” crowd by doing coke. All the cool kids do. I heard it’s really good for the body and soul. Check out Amy Winehouse if you don’t believe me.
I’ve actually heard that Jesse is a huge cokehead. A friend of a cousin of a friend (did you get that all?) apparently dated Jesse, and he was all sorts of effed up. Mostly cuz of the effects of coke on his brain. Obvi his brain is working a little slowly if he didn’t check for coke stains before he existed his limo that maxed out his Visa.
Cate Blanchett: All I really have to say is MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGERS! Seriously, there is nothing lamer than dressing up in a 7 year old’s Halloween costume when you are an adult, and it’s not Halloween. She really just needs some boots to complete the vibe.
Ed Westwick: Just thought I’d post a FULL length picture of Eddie’s lilac pants for you to ogle at. Fierce. Christian Soriano from Project Runway would be proud. Or revolted.
Hayden Panettiere: The OCD troll is in trubs with the po po! Evidently she thinks her boobless and whorish self is above the law because she parked in a “No Parking” zone when she went to pick up a mattress with her little bro. But the po po busted her ass and gave her a ticket! Here she is looking aghast, and probably about the rip up the ticket in a temper tantrum.
Teri Hatcher: What is in Hollywood’s water?! Do they add fertilizer and steroids to help the youngins turn in to 30-something year olds as fast as possible?! Check out Teri Hatcher’s 10 year old daughter! By the time she reaches Ali Lohan’s age of 14, she will look 39 as well! When I was 10 I had baby fat and was still wearing Limited Too, and Adidas sandals. I also brushed out my hair so it looked like a huge puff, akin to the post before entitled “Separated at Birth?” I was naive, innocent, and adorable. This kid looks like she’s in the making to become a baby prostitute! I blame Miley Cyrus! She is tainting the minds of impressionable children! Slut!
Le Awkward Turtle 
