August 12, 2008 · Filed under Gross, Things that are Awkward · Tagged bad dogs, bad friends, obedience school
This isn’t so much awkward as it is friggin obnoxious!!! Ever go over someone’s house, and they have a dog or two or five, and you go into the house and suddenly you get STAMPEDED by said dogs the moment you open the door!? This has happened to me on so many occasions I’ve lost count. And then the owners try to yell at the dog(s), like that’s really gonna make them stop jumping on you. Meanwhile you’re getting clawed up and down your legs, arms, chest, face, wherever you’ve got exposed skin, and you’re cowering in the corner next to the door making a squinched-up face trying to protect yourself from the claws and the teeth and the saliva that are overpowering you. Eventually the owners stop yelling and try a different tactic: humor. “Oh, that old mutt,” they chuckle, “he always does that!” This of course does nothing to help the fact that you’re now bleeding from several different locations on your body. Somehow amidst the fury of teeth and claws, you extricate yourself and run for the nearest safe place, like a bathroom, and lock yourself in there until the dogs can be contained. When you finally emerge, your hosts are as nonplussed and cavelier as ever, even as they appraise your impressive new collection of wounds. Their nonchalance infuriates you, but you don’t show it. No one wants to look like a wuss who can’t handle dogs. But you’ll always dread coming over these people’s house from now on and you’re definitely judging them for their lack of animal control skills. So, if you don’t want your friends to hate you, lock up your unruly dogs before they come over, or bring them to obedience school (the dogs, not your friends).
August 8, 2008 · Filed under Awkward Clothing, Celebrity Awkwardness, Celebrity Gossip · Tagged American Idol, Ashton Kutcher, Babies, Batmobile, Britney Spears breaks down, Cameron Diaz, Chuck Norris, Clark Kent, David Cook, Dawson's Creek, Demi Moore, DUIs, Hollywood "It" girls, homewrecker, Katie Holmes, lesbian, Lily Allen, Lindsay Lohan, mug shots, pegged jeans, Pinocchio, Samantha Ronson, Superman, Suri Holmes-Cruise, The Dark Knight, toilet, Tom Cruise
Yeah, yeah. I know what you are going to say. The daily update hasn’t been very… daily. I just haven’t been inspired by the celebs these days. I’m sick of Katie Holmes’ pegged jeans, the constant birthing of babies, and the well, decent behavior. Believe it or not, I totally miss the bygone days of “It” girl DUIs, arrests, prison sentences, Britney Spears’ breakdowns, and general ridiculousness. The “It” thing used to be to get a DUI, and now it’s to have a baby. DUIs are so much juicier and awkward. You get those awesome mug shots, reports from police, pictures of celebs crying. It makes us normal, but celeb-obsessed people feel great about our lives.
But anyways, let’s get to the daily goss.
Lindsay Lohan: You know, I’m glad she is happy, and sober, and all that feel-good schtuff, but I’m having a hard time believing she is actually dating Samantha Ronson. Lindz just loves the men too much. Remember that time she went to Italy and hooked up with 3 dudes in a 24 hour period? She is a 1st Class HoHanbag. Look at her. She made leggings with KNEEPADS. She’s trying to help out her fellow sluts! Now, she is ruining her reputation! Being with the same person for an extended period of time is unheard of! Unacceptable! And to top it all off, this subject of her attention is a girl with the fugliest vanilla/chocolate swirl dye job ever. I think HoHanbag is just experimenting, or just really connects with Samdawg. I wouldn’t be suprised if she went back to the men. She can’t stay away! It’s not in her nature! In the words of the LA sheriff, I think she has just “gone gay” for Samdawg, and probably to get constant attention.
David Cook: This supposed “heartthrob” looks like he has Down Syndrome in this picture. I have no problem with people that actually have Down Syndrome. It’s just awkward when you look like you have it when you actually don’t. Sort of like when people look pregnant, and people congratulate them on the good news, but actually it’s just a pot belly. AWKWARDDDD.
Katie Holmes: Even Suri thinks those jeans are freaking disgusting. She is trying to convince her SugaMama to stop wearing those same pair of pants everyday, and wear other articles from her ENORMOUS wardrobe. This chick has money! She doesn’t HAVE to wear the same pair of pants everyday. And what is with the fly flap always being open so the world can see that she has to button up those pants instead of zippering?! I always hated button up pants. It made going to the bathroom a lot more difficult. I think I know what this chick’s deal is all about though. She never went through the awkward teen years, as evidenced by Dawson’s Creek. She just skipped right over it! And now she feels an awkwardness void. She feels like a brainwashed robot, and just wants to be a real person! I bet Pinocchio inspired her. Doing awkward shit, and looking awkward is mandatory in order to be considered a human. She is rebelling against Tom de Napoleon by wearing fugly 90s-inspired pegged genes, and Clark Kent glasses. The pants are a throwback to her days of unawkward teenhood, so she can try to channel awkwardness. And the glasses? Well, those are what we like to call a cry for help. Tom de FAIL didn’t let her be in The Dark Knight which was a HUGEEEE party foul, so now she is convincing the world that she should be in the next Superman movie. Hun, Superman was NEVER as cool as Batman. He doesn’t have a BatMobile. Deal-breaker.
Demi Moore: A picture sure does say 1000 words. Ashton and Cameron DIAZaster are totally doing nasty times together. Their sexual tension even permeates out of the picture and slaps the viewer in the face. Demi knows it. Look at her face. She is fighting back the tears. But don’t be fooled. Demi’s tears are not a sign of weakness. They are TEARS OF RAGE. She is plotting DIAZster’s downfall. You don’t eff with an age-defying woman. Demi and Chuck Norris should totally hook up.
Lily Allen: W T F. Why is she carrying around a toilet?! She should have hired some dude to do this! Lily will now forever be known as The Porcelain Queen. Such royalty should also start wearing a bra. So pointy right now.
August 8, 2008 · Filed under FAIL, Things that are Awkward, Uncategorized · Tagged addicts, FAIL, scratch tickets, unemployed people
I don’t know if this is just something that happens where I live or if it goes on everywhere else, but it’s awkward every time I encounter it, which is to say like once a week. Ok. I seem to have a particular penchant for going into convenience stores and getting stuck in line behind a Scratch-Ticket Guy. They are always the same: middle-aged or older, wearing a rank-smelling flannel shirt, possessing the voice of a million cigarettes, the jaundice of a longstanding gallon-a-day whiskey habit, and an aura of callousness so thick it makes pea soup look lame. They stand hunched-over at the counter, exhorting the cashier for various scratch tickets, but not just ANY scratch tickets. They’ve got to have their special “lucky” tickets, which is ironic because by the looks of these dudes, they’ve been down on their “luck” for a long time. “Gimme one’a the Crazy Eights,” they rasp impatiently, “and ahhhh, two’a the Lucky Dice…ahhhh, one’a the Wild Cherries…NO, not that one, the other one…ahhhh actually, gimme two’a the Instant Bingos instead…” and on and on. Meanwhile a line of customers is forming behind the guy, all of whom just want to pay for their gas and get the hell out of there. But Scratch-Ticket Guy cannot be rushed. Today, he thinks, is going to be different from yesterday. Today, he’s gonna get that magic ticket. Ten minutes later, when it’s all over he will shuffle off to his rusting Ford pickup truck, mumbling to himself all the while. It will then take me 45 seconds to pay for my gas and a bottle of water and be on my way. As I walk out to my car, I see Scratch-Ticket Guy cursing in the driver’s seat of his idling pickup as he furiously scratches the tickets and finds not luck but frustration. This experience will drive him to hit the whiskey bottle and chain smoke for the rest of the day. It will not, however, deter him from coming back to the store tomorrow to buy another round of tickets. And thus the cycle continues.
Look, I realize there is a certain sadness about the Scratch-Ticket Guy and I’m not trying to make fun of him so much as RAISE AWARENESS of the fact that gambling is addicting and if a person has an addiction, it creates awkwardness for a lot of people around them. So, kids, avoid getting addicted to things as much as possible! Don’t become the Scratch-Ticket Guy.
August 7, 2008 · Filed under Awkward Resource, FAIL · Tagged bird poop, cheerleaders, dumb blondes, funny story, middle school love, odd news, reptiles, smackdown, stuck on an elevator
August 5, 2008 · Filed under Awkward Clothing, Awkward Theory, Celebrity Awkwardness, Celebrity Gossip, Creepy Dads · Tagged 2008 Teen Choice Awards, Ashlee Simpson, Billy Ray Cyrus, boston creme donuts, high school dances, Jerry O'Connell, Josh Duhamel, Lil Bo Peep, Lil Bow Wow, Lil Mama, Lil Romeo, Lindsay Lohan, middle school dances, Miley Cyrus, Mischa Barton, obesity, overalls, Pete Wentz, Pink, Plato, short shorts, Worsed Dressed List
Yeah, I totally wasn’t going to write a post today because I’m all agitated and distracted thinking about important stuff, but I don’t want to leave you hanging without the celeb update. How would you go about your day not knowing the latest scoop?! It’s a mystery to me as well. You would have nothing to make you feel better about yourself, and consequently would go home and eat 5 Boston creme donuts in one sitting. Obesity happens because people don’t read enough trashy magazines, or celeb updates. PWHOAR! I’m the next Plato with statements like that! Anyways, bring the celebNESS on!
Miley Cyrus: Suprisingly, no leaked photos today. Although, now that I said that, there will probably be like 10 naked pictures that will leak in an hour. But anyways, Miley makes the daily awkward update because of a particular fashion choice and pose during the 2008 Teen Choice Awards. Take a look at those atrocious overalls. Stop fooling yourself and everyone Miley. Don’t pretend to be a little innocent kid. We all know you are a skanky tween. Take pride in your sluttiness a la Lindsay Lohan. Your pose totally reveals your true self. That’s probably the stance your next MyWhore picture will be. Except lying down and in lingerie that BillyGoat bought for you.
I’m grossing myself out.
Josh Duhamel and Jerry O’Connell: Nothing like awkward straight man love. I bet they are heterosexual life mates. I can cut that tension with a butter knife!
Lil Mama: I am quickly realizing that this post is focusing completely on the Pimple Awards again. They should hand out big zits as the prize. But really, teen events just present so much awkwardness it’s unbelievable. Go check out a middle school and high school dance now. Brutal. Speaking of brutal, check out Lil Mama’s outfit for the red carpet. WTF. It looks like she is trying to channel Lil Bo Peep. I understand that they both have the Lil in common, but so does Lil Bow Wow and Lil Romeo, and you don’t see them dressing up like fairy tale characters! This is rough look. It makes me cringe and my palms sweat just to think that she thought this was a hott outfit. More likely though, she knows she is a nobody, and wore this to get on the Worst Dressed Lists just for attention. Mischa Barton went through that phase, and it got her nowhere. Hell, she’s still going through that phase.
Pink: You know what’s awkward? When couples look the same, or share the same hairdo, like Pink and her loverboy. Or ex-loverboy. They clearly go for salon dates, and style each others hair in the morning. It’s as awkward as Pete Wentz’s confession that if he is wearing cool clothes, they are probably Ashlee’s. Dude. WEAR MAN CLOTHES. No wonder he looks like a twit all the time.
And Pink darling, where did the rest of your shorts go? Short shorts are hott, but not when your ass is hanging out. Awkward turtleee. Let’s hope her lover doesn’t pull a Pete and borrow them.
August 4, 2008 · Filed under Celebrity Awkwardness, Celebrity Gossip, Creepy Dads, FAIL, Gross, self-awkwardness · Tagged 2008 Teen Choice Awards, Angelina Jolie, awkward turtle, babies are gross, Bernie Mac, Billy Ray Cyrus, Brad Pitt, Brangelina, Caribbean arrest, Chace Crawford, Christina Applegate, Disney stars, Ed Westwick, fergalicious, Fergie, gun shots, Joe Simpson, Knox Jolie-Pitt, Lance Bass, leaked pictures, lilac pants, Lindsay Lohan, lipstick, manbag, Marilyn Monroe, Miley Cyrus, MySpace, Nikki Blonsky, People magazine, plum pants, pneumonia, Rudy Galindo, Samantha Ronson, Scarlett Johanssen, Selena Gomez, sumo wrestlers, Suplex, tighty whities, Tinky Winky, Usher, Vanessa Hugens, Vivienne Jolie-Pitt, WWE, Zac Efron
Well, this weekend was definitely eventful. Nikki “Token Fat Girl” Blonsky got arrested in the Caribbean for getting all up in some people’s grillzzz and causing a smackdown. Seriously, I’m not surprised she can do some serious damage. Imagine that landing on your face. She probably did the Blonsky Style Suplex, a move made up by the sumo wrestlers thousands of years ago, but adopted and made famous by the WWE. In other news, Bernie Mac is nearly dying of pneumonia, guns were shot at some party Usher was at, and Christina Applegate has breast cancer, which is very sad, but her rep assures us she will live; he better not being lying, or he can say bye to his career and money for eternity because those Appelgates will totes sue him before he knows it. And then of course, Brangelina’s twins made their big debut on the cover of People magazine. The Golden Children obviously caused all the turmoil in Hollywood, as I predicted. Battling of the egos. It’s sad that adults grovel to rip attention away from 3 week old blobs that can’t speak let alone stay awake for more than 10 minutes at a time. In all seriousness, I can’t believe People paid $14 million to take pictures of Vivienne and Knox, who really just look like eating, pooping, and sleeping babies. I hope karma doesn’t kick my ass for saying that.
None of that is really awkward though, so let’s shift our attention to the 2008 Teen Choice Awards. What is more awkward than a bunch of teenagers crowded in to one building? NOTHING. Well, maybe learning that you drunkenly hooked up with your cousin at a family wedding. But anyfail, the bulk of today’s material comes from this pimple-infested annual event.
Ed Westwick: I figured we should return to our favorite lilac pant wearing Gossip queen. That’s right. He’s a queen. If the lilac pants weren’t evidence enough, let’s check out his NEW pair of purple pants that he sported on the plane jetting to the coveted 2008 Pimple-Infested Awards! He went for a manlier hue this time, but let’s face it, there is no shade of purple that is manly. It’s hott when guys wear pink. It’s gay when guys wear purple. Look at Tinky Winky, that purple Teletubby. Total flamer, just like Eddiekins. Also, don’t fail to notice his manbag, and the extreme tightness of his pants. He wants to show his package off to Chace or Zac. The thing that makes this whole situation awkward though is that he refuses to come out of the closet, instead of being a proud rainbow-lover. Just to shut our mouths and convince us of his “straightness,” he shoves his tongue down some girl’s throat. He probably pays her just to play along. She doesn’t care thought because she’s probably a huge skankface who wants to brag about how she hooked up with a movie star. Ah, raging hormones at work.
Zac Efron: Speaking of closeted gay guys, Zacypoo is the next on the list. Here is evidence that Zac is NOT dating Vanessa, and wants to be wearing a pair of plum pants like Eddie. They could be twins, like when Lindsay Lohan wears a fedora like her lover Samantha Ronson. Take a look at Zac’s face in these pictures. The camera dudes and PR reps totally told them to hug to promote their movie. Vanessa is a money-grubbing naked picture-sending hoface so she sucked it up. Zac would rather puke. He probably quarantined himself after, and took a Purell shower to remove the cooties. Poor boy looks so uncomfortable. In the last one he is probably whispering for her to let go of him now, or he’ll have his gay posse of Lance Bass, Ed Westwick, and Chace Crawford attack her with fire engine red lipstick and tighty whities. Rudy Galindo will come and do a split just for dramatic effect.
Fergie: Fergie has tried her hardest to convince the world that she is beautiful through songs like fergalicious, and by working out all the time. I’ll agree that she has a good body, but that just makes her a butterface. She doesn’t look bad when she’s by herself, but all her efforts are completely trashed when she stands next to people that are actually pretty. Like Scarlett Johanssen. Next to the beaming blonde, Fergie looks rough. Her wardrobe choice doesn’t help either. Fergie Ferg realizes that she shouldn’t be standing next to ScarScar and that’s why she looks pissed as all hell. Everyone evaluates themselves and others by comparison. Let that be a lesson Ferg.
Selena Gomez: I don’t even know where this girl came from, or what she was in, but apparently she is another Disney starlet. The next Miley Cyrus. I’m totally rooting for her though! I want to see Miley go down! There should be a WWE fight between Selena and Miley. That would be a bitch fight to watch! Whoever wins gets eternal Disney and Hollywood glory, and the loser has to be adopted by Papa Joe Simpson. But despite her potential to oust Miley from her Disney throne, Selena has a lot to learn… Take a look at this ridiculously awkward pose. See! Teens should not try to be sexy, or pull a Marilyn Monroe. It ends up a leggy disaster with people busting out the awkward turtle everywhere.
Miley Cyrus: Oh Miley. When will you learn? The baby prostitute is at it AGAIN. More pictures have leaked, and they are increasingly more scandalous than the ones before. She looks like a typical MySpace whore in these pictures. Why her dad hasn’t taken away her camera, I don’t know…Oh, wait. I remember. He is the one taking the pictures. He got some advice from Papa Joe about how to boost Miley’s career. I’m convinced Miley and BillyGoat are trying to get her kicked off Disney so she can go on to “bigger and better” things. Miley, stick with what makes you the money. You obviously are a big hit with the tweens if you can sell out whole stadiums for your teen bop concerts. She doesn’t care. She is a ho, and she can’t help it.
August 1, 2008 · Filed under Awkward Theory, self-awkwardness, The A.T., Time Travel · Tagged Napoleon, origin of the awkward turtle, philosophy, purpose of the awkward turtle, theory behind the awkward turtle, time machine
Without a doubt, a history teacher has said this line to you at least 1,003 times. As a pimply, frizzy 7th grader, you rolled your eyes, hoping that by being disdainful you might just get out of class early. The clock on the wall ticked by ever so slowly, and the prospect of listening about the Revolutionary War and the US Constitution for 5 minutes and 27…26…25 seconds more was painful to even think about. Your brain yearned for the crisp, fall air. When class was finally over you pissily said that that was the worst class evvvvver. Then you scampered off to the whim of your raging hormones.
Looking back years later, you might be wise enough to recognize that the statement “History repeats itself,” is spot on. As cliché as it is, it speaks of the cyclical characteristic of world events. War, murder, failure to respond adequately to natural disasters, and the collapse of a government are forces of civilization that seem unavoidable despite our ability to have 20:20 hindsight in the classroom or at a heated dinnertime discussion. History repeats itself because people are incompetent to think about anyone but themselves. Selfishness is a programmed characteristic in all humans, a testament to Darwin’s theory of the “survival of the fittest.” People try their hardest to make themselves feel the most comfortable, which may be the key to why the awkward turtle has proven to be a nationwide, perhaps even worldwide, phenomenon. It serves as a sort of security blanket for us when we feel uncomfortable. It is a physical gesture that invokes metaphysical alterations. The rotary movement of our thumbs, and the feeling of one hand atop the other eases that sense of discomfort we encounter in what we generically deem as an “awkward” situation. Thus, it could be thought of as an inherently selfish gesture because it is used to restore our high opinion of ourselves, and dismiss the possibility that we are a graceless oaf like everyone else. But that is not an entirely accurate assumption for the awkward turtle has the ability to permeate its influence across personal boundaries into the public domain. Even the mere sight of the awkward turtle serves to ease the discomfort of others because it reminds us that we are all human, and alike in the sense that we can not avoid blunders. Therefore, it is more accurate to regard the awkward turtle as a unifier than as an isolator.
It is my hope with Le Awkward Time Machine that we can look back on past mistakes, before the awkward turtle gained all this renown and respect, and be able to apply it in future situations that make us feel uneasy and have the potential to lower our self esteem. Pissed off people with low self-esteem are the treacherous ones in society that cause global mishaps. Take Napoleon as an example. His height was a sore spot for him, resulting in awkward situations, and instead of using the awkward turtle to boost his self-esteem and laugh it off, he felt the need to engage in a war, killing thousands of people. He thought international power would reaffirm his sense of self, and prove to people that he was not someone to be messed with, even though he was the size of a child.
Although the philosophy of Le Awkward Time Machine may seem dry, keep a look out for the posts because awkward stories are always amusing. If there was a time in your life that was unbearably awkward, and you wish you had known about the awkward turtle back then, post it as a comment, and if it is awesomely hilarious, it could be posted as a Spotlight Story.
Until our next time travel appointment, take it easy and if you find yourself in an awkward situation, remember your loyal friend The Awkward Turtle.
August 1, 2008 · Filed under Awkward Clothing, Celebrity Awkwardness, Celebrity Gossip, FAIL · Tagged Aaron Carter, Ali Lohan, Amy Winehouse, Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Cate Blanchett, Christian Soriano, cocaine, Ed Westwick, ESP, fierce, Halloween, Hayden Panettiere, Jesse McCartney, Knox Jolie-Pitt, Limited Too, Miley Cyrus, OCD, parking ticket, People magazine, police, Power Rangers, Project Runway, Ryan Cabrera, Teri Hatcher, Visa, Vivienne Jolie-Pitt, Wonderland
I anticipate that until Sunday, when the first images of Angelina’s Golden Children are revealed by People magazine, everything will be pretty tame. Then all hell will break loose. Celebs all over will be groveling for attention, but to no avail. VIvienne and Knox will outshine everyone from baby celebs to elderly celebs. Their halos will be blinding, as if you are staring in to the sweltering African sun at noon.
On a side note, when I first heard the names of The Golden Children I immediately thought to myself, “Self, Angelina totes named Vivienne, and Brad is responsible for the UBERMASCULINE name of Knox. Angieface wouldn’t think of such a testosterone laden name as Knox.” And you know what? I was right! Immediately reports came out saying that Angieface named Vivienne after her mom, and Knox is some name in Brad’s fam. ESP bitches!
Anyways, let’s get on to today’s celebrity ridicule.
Jesse McCartney: Talk about a blast from the past. This former tween flame emerged from the depths of OneHitWonderdom and graced us with his presence. He left Aaron Carter and Ryan Cabrera behind to cry with each other and braid each other’s sort-of-emo-but-mostly-pop girl hair. Jesse and his pallid skin look a little worse for the wear. OneHitWonderdom is no Wonderland. Your once plentiful and healthy bank account plummets drastically as you buy ridiculously expensive clothes, and convince yourself that you can take your 23rd vacation of the year. The coke habit also totally pulverizes what few thousand dollars you had left. Take a look at Exhibit A below. Jesse is sporting some mysterious white powder stains on his pants, which I daresay is cocaine. He obviously is trying to be with the “in” crowd by doing coke. All the cool kids do. I heard it’s really good for the body and soul. Check out Amy Winehouse if you don’t believe me.
I’ve actually heard that Jesse is a huge cokehead. A friend of a cousin of a friend (did you get that all?) apparently dated Jesse, and he was all sorts of effed up. Mostly cuz of the effects of coke on his brain. Obvi his brain is working a little slowly if he didn’t check for coke stains before he existed his limo that maxed out his Visa.
Cate Blanchett: All I really have to say is MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGERS! Seriously, there is nothing lamer than dressing up in a 7 year old’s Halloween costume when you are an adult, and it’s not Halloween. She really just needs some boots to complete the vibe.
Ed Westwick: Just thought I’d post a FULL length picture of Eddie’s lilac pants for you to ogle at. Fierce. Christian Soriano from Project Runway would be proud. Or revolted.
Hayden Panettiere: The OCD troll is in trubs with the po po! Evidently she thinks her boobless and whorish self is above the law because she parked in a “No Parking” zone when she went to pick up a mattress with her little bro. But the po po busted her ass and gave her a ticket! Here she is looking aghast, and probably about the rip up the ticket in a temper tantrum.
Teri Hatcher: What is in Hollywood’s water?! Do they add fertilizer and steroids to help the youngins turn in to 30-something year olds as fast as possible?! Check out Teri Hatcher’s 10 year old daughter! By the time she reaches Ali Lohan’s age of 14, she will look 39 as well! When I was 10 I had baby fat and was still wearing Limited Too, and Adidas sandals. I also brushed out my hair so it looked like a huge puff, akin to the post before entitled “Separated at Birth?” I was naive, innocent, and adorable. This kid looks like she’s in the making to become a baby prostitute! I blame Miley Cyrus! She is tainting the minds of impressionable children! Slut!
Le Awkward Turtle 
