Well, this weekend was definitely eventful. Nikki “Token Fat Girl” Blonsky got arrested in the Caribbean for getting all up in some people’s grillzzz and causing a smackdown. Seriously, I’m not surprised she can do some serious damage. Imagine that landing on your face. She probably did the Blonsky Style Suplex, a move made up by the sumo wrestlers thousands of years ago, but adopted and made famous by the WWE. In other news, Bernie Mac is nearly dying of pneumonia, guns were shot at some party Usher was at, and Christina Applegate has breast cancer, which is very sad, but her rep assures us she will live; he better not being lying, or he can say bye to his career and money for eternity because those Appelgates will totes sue him before he knows it. And then of course, Brangelina’s twins made their big debut on the cover of People magazine. The Golden Children obviously caused all the turmoil in Hollywood, as I predicted. Battling of the egos. It’s sad that adults grovel to rip attention away from 3 week old blobs that can’t speak let alone stay awake for more than 10 minutes at a time. In all seriousness, I can’t believe People paid $14 million to take pictures of Vivienne and Knox, who really just look like eating, pooping, and sleeping babies. I hope karma doesn’t kick my ass for saying that.
None of that is really awkward though, so let’s shift our attention to the 2008 Teen Choice Awards. What is more awkward than a bunch of teenagers crowded in to one building? NOTHING. Well, maybe learning that you drunkenly hooked up with your cousin at a family wedding. But anyfail, the bulk of today’s material comes from this pimple-infested annual event.
Ed Westwick: I figured we should return to our favorite lilac pant wearing Gossip queen. That’s right. He’s a queen. If the lilac pants weren’t evidence enough, let’s check out his NEW pair of purple pants that he sported on the plane jetting to the coveted 2008 Pimple-Infested Awards! He went for a manlier hue this time, but let’s face it, there is no shade of purple that is manly. It’s hott when guys wear pink. It’s gay when guys wear purple. Look at Tinky Winky, that purple Teletubby. Total flamer, just like Eddiekins. Also, don’t fail to notice his manbag, and the extreme tightness of his pants. He wants to show his package off to Chace or Zac. The thing that makes this whole situation awkward though is that he refuses to come out of the closet, instead of being a proud rainbow-lover. Just to shut our mouths and convince us of his “straightness,” he shoves his tongue down some girl’s throat. He probably pays her just to play along. She doesn’t care thought because she’s probably a huge skankface who wants to brag about how she hooked up with a movie star. Ah, raging hormones at work.
Zac Efron: Speaking of closeted gay guys, Zacypoo is the next on the list. Here is evidence that Zac is NOT dating Vanessa, and wants to be wearing a pair of plum pants like Eddie. They could be twins, like when Lindsay Lohan wears a fedora like her lover Samantha Ronson. Take a look at Zac’s face in these pictures. The camera dudes and PR reps totally told them to hug to promote their movie. Vanessa is a money-grubbing naked picture-sending hoface so she sucked it up. Zac would rather puke. He probably quarantined himself after, and took a Purell shower to remove the cooties. Poor boy looks so uncomfortable. In the last one he is probably whispering for her to let go of him now, or he’ll have his gay posse of Lance Bass, Ed Westwick, and Chace Crawford attack her with fire engine red lipstick and tighty whities. Rudy Galindo will come and do a split just for dramatic effect.
Fergie: Fergie has tried her hardest to convince the world that she is beautiful through songs like fergalicious, and by working out all the time. I’ll agree that she has a good body, but that just makes her a butterface. She doesn’t look bad when she’s by herself, but all her efforts are completely trashed when she stands next to people that are actually pretty. Like Scarlett Johanssen. Next to the beaming blonde, Fergie looks rough. Her wardrobe choice doesn’t help either. Fergie Ferg realizes that she shouldn’t be standing next to ScarScar and that’s why she looks pissed as all hell. Everyone evaluates themselves and others by comparison. Let that be a lesson Ferg.
Selena Gomez: I don’t even know where this girl came from, or what she was in, but apparently she is another Disney starlet. The next Miley Cyrus. I’m totally rooting for her though! I want to see Miley go down! There should be a WWE fight between Selena and Miley. That would be a bitch fight to watch! Whoever wins gets eternal Disney and Hollywood glory, and the loser has to be adopted by Papa Joe Simpson. But despite her potential to oust Miley from her Disney throne, Selena has a lot to learn… Take a look at this ridiculously awkward pose. See! Teens should not try to be sexy, or pull a Marilyn Monroe. It ends up a leggy disaster with people busting out the awkward turtle everywhere.
Miley Cyrus: Oh Miley. When will you learn? The baby prostitute is at it AGAIN. More pictures have leaked, and they are increasingly more scandalous than the ones before. She looks like a typical MySpace whore in these pictures. Why her dad hasn’t taken away her camera, I don’t know…Oh, wait. I remember. He is the one taking the pictures. He got some advice from Papa Joe about how to boost Miley’s career. I’m convinced Miley and BillyGoat are trying to get her kicked off Disney so she can go on to “bigger and better” things. Miley, stick with what makes you the money. You obviously are a big hit with the tweens if you can sell out whole stadiums for your teen bop concerts. She doesn’t care. She is a ho, and she can’t help it.
Le Awkward Turtle 
