Le Awkward Turtle

Ok all you raging hormonal teenagers, let me provide you with some incredible insight that will make you realize your ridiculous ridiculousness. A brief anecdote:

So there I was hanging out with my best friend of 13 years (oooh…creepy. bad luck! I’m going to have to carry a frigg’n rabbit’s foot or four leaf clover with me everytime I hang out with her!), and we were just sitting in her car in the parking lot of the Container store around 10:30pm chatting about nothing in particular. We were having a grand ole time addressing envelopes and folding letters (we don’t need to do exciting stuff anymore to like hanging out with each other. We surpassed that level in about the 3rd year. At this point I don’t even knock on her door when I go over. I just walk in. I’ve also been known to go over there when she isn’t even home, and instead hang out with her mom for hours at a time. I’m sure you have one of these friends. The ones where you can sit in silence with, or facebook stalk together for hours, and still be perfectly entertained and happy. If you don’t, go find a best friend or take a shower. That might help you find one.), when all of a sudden we glance across the parking lot and see a tan SUV with its lights on and parked. Upon closer inspection, we see an approximately 16 year old guy leaning into the window and talking to someone inside. All of a sudden BAM! Full on making out! This went on for a long time! Just jump in the car for goodness sake and get your freaky times on! Don’t make the other people who are sketchily hanging out in the parking lot at 11:00 at night watch you! But seriously…. this went on for way too long. It would have been cute if it was one good night kiss, but this was full on snogging, as the Brits say (no…not Britney Spears. Pantyless hoe). This was obviously the situation:

Girl: “I really have to go. Curfew was two hours ago at 9 pm because I am practically a kindergartener and shouldn’t be making out in the Container Store Parking lot.”

Guy: ” I know, honey bunches of oats with strawberries, but can’t you be a little late? I can’t imagine living a minute without your brilliant smile, that makes even the stars look dim. You are the apple of my eye, the love of my life. Do not leave me! One more kiss!”

Girl: “Awwwwww. Ok! Maybe a little longer…”

Guy: (In his head) “Sweet! That mushy bullshit actually works! I’m gonna get it onnnn.”

They start making out.

Girl:” Ok, I must go.”

Guy: “Me too. You leave first.”

Girl: “No you!”

Guy: “No you!”

Girl: “No you!”

YO! YOU ARE TOTALLY GOING TO SEE EACH OTHER TOMORROW SO CALM DOWN AND LEAVE! Anywho, this keeps going until they start making out again. This time, the door of the car is open. He gets closer and closer to getting in side the SUV, but FAIL. Doesn’t happen. They continue to display their epic and revolting love to the rest of the Container Store parking lot.

At this point, I had a strong urge to reach across the car, and honk the horn of my friends car, and scare the living beejesus out of them, and make them feel very awkward and embarassed for being such gross little baby prostitutes like Miley Cyrus. Sadly, my friend would not let me do such a heartless action, and instead she diverted my attention by telling me a story about pathological liars in Vermont (beware!). Just as her story was ending though, she shifted positions, and her knee honked the horn, resulting in the babies who were macking it stop their bizznazz, looking like deer in headlights! A minute later? They were at it again, leaving my friend feeling like the awkward one.

Summary: Raging hormonal teenagers are gross and their curfew should be at 6:30pm because their behavior in Container Store parking lots is 1. Gross to watch, 2. Makes them feel awkward when people honk their horns at them, 3. Makes the observer feel awkward when they honk their horns at them even if it is out of fun, or by accident, and 4. Results in bad decision-making. I bet that girl will be pregnant by the end of the month. I blame Jamie Lynn Spears. I’m all for love, as long as I don’t have to watch pathetically attached 16 years olds physically demonstrating it.

That’s all for now. Peace.