Posts tagged Jessica Simpson

The Daily “OMG! Grosstastic Celebrity Awkwardness!” Update

July 29, 2008 · Filed under FAIL, Gross · Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Let’s get down and dirty. Our favorite celebs are embarassing themselves per usual, and getting themselves into ridiculously uncomfortable situations. Here we go…BLAST OFF!

 

Jennifer Connelly: Yo, I didn’t even know who this chick was, but wikipedia has informed me that she was in Rocketeer, one of my favorite movies from when I was a kid, and A Beautiful Mind, so I guess she is pretty badass and deserves some media attention. But anyways, People magazine informed me that she had a jolly ole time feeding some penguins the other day. What struck me about this picture though, is that maybe she should stop feeding other animals, and start focusing on feeding herself! Look at her! Her pants are too baggy, and she is ridiculously twiggy. Nothing like an anorexic actress revelling in feeding animals to generate an awkward picture. The penguins look healthier than her.

Ryan Seacrest: This dude is so B-List but he thinks he is SUCH a diva. Think about it. How many jobs does he try to juggle just to remain in the spotlight. Utterly forgettable. If he read this he would probably be crying into his stuffed teddy bear Fwuffy for weeks, then Simon would have to come over and slap him around a bit in order to drag his ass to host American Idol. The picture below is a first class example of how awkward Ryan “I want Simon Cowell SOO BAD IT HURTS” Seacrest is, and also how disgusted he is to be hugging a girl. He’d much rather be hugging Simon, and feeling his man boobs.

Jim Carrey: This guy is awesome. He is not ashamed to walk around in a woman’s bathing suit, and let’s be honest here… He pulls it off. The awkward aspect is that he totally looks better in it than his supposedly VA VA VOOM girlfriend Jenny McCarthy. Rough.

 Brooke and Hulk Hogan: Aww dammmn. We have another Papa Joe and Jessica SImpson deal. Here you see a “beach blunder” in which Hulk Hogan is rubbing sunscreen on Brooke’s butt. Seriously?! She can reach there! There is something weird going on in that fam… The mother starts dating a 19 year old toolface, and Hulk wants to top that off by dating his daughter. EW. Crossed the line there.

 

That’s all the celeb goss for today. Peace easy ’til tomorrow!

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Celebrity Fashion Faux-Pas

July 19, 2008 · Filed under FAIL, Gross, self-awkwardness · Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Ok folks, grab your notebooks and colorful gel pens and listen up! Professor Turtle is going to enlighten you on the top 5 most awkward celebrity trends of the moment. It shocks such an intelligent, and wise snapping turtle such as myself, to see these rich celebrities, who have all the money and fashion advice in the world, wearing the ugliest shit ever! Without further ado, THE list:

 

1. Ankle Booties: What happens when you cross a FIERCE high-heeled pump, with a FIERCE boot? A fugly ELF shoe! WTF. I cannot comprehend these Santa-helper-esque shoes! Not only do they clash with everything, but they also are INSTANT-CANKLE makers! No one wants cankles! *Shiver* My worst nightmare. Yet, celebs think they look hott especially when they pair them with a mini skirt or dress. Here is Kate “My son looks like a little girl” Hudson looking whorendous, like an elf who got stuck in the silver wrapping paper machine:

 

2. Maxi Dresses: Ok, ok. Let’s face it, they aren’t THAT bad. But they are described with the word maxi, which just reminds me of a maxi pad, which is grosskward. These dresses could potentially be cute, but celebs, like Jessica “My father ogles at my boobs” Simpson, totally pick the wrong ones. They are simply “cover the bloat” dresses, which generate all those pregnancy and “OMG DID SHE GAIN WEIGHT?!” rumors. Point: Maxi dresses are totally worn to make you look gross so you get more media and tabloid attention. Don’t do it, because you won’t get the attention, and be left just looking like a pad. Here is Nicole “Skeletor” Richie for Tampax:

 

3. Jeans Tucked Into Strappy Sandals: OMFG WTF. I have no words. Ogle at the disgustingness on your own. Here is Kim “Golden Shower” Kardashian sporting this egregious look:

 

4. One-Piece Suits: Come on now! This wasn’t even a good look in the 60s and 70s when people were high as kites on pot, lsd, and acid ALL AT THE SAME TIME. There is no need to bring this back. You end up looking like a lame-ass crayon, and have a higher likelihood of getting a wedgie. Narsty. You know it’s a bad look if Ri-“WTF is my last name”-hanna wears it:

 

5. Leggings: I am referring in particular to the shiny ones that celebs such as Lindsay Lohan, Rihanna (again!), Nicky Hilton, and Heidi Klum, have been known to wear recently. I understand that every woman has a strong desire to be Cat Woman, but let’s face it, unless you are jacked and can walk around with a Photoshop filter around you, you just don’t look good in these! Even the skinny celebs end up having a camel toe, and looking like a mix between a dominatrix, a trash bag, and a leather glove– a bad combo, as evidenced by this picture of Nicky “Fuglier than my sister” Hilton:

 

 

Fashionistas- BEWARE!

Class dismissed!

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Top 5 Awkward Celebrities!

July 18, 2008 · Filed under Celebrity Gossip, Creepy Dads, Gross · Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Everyone loves a little trashy celebrity gossip so in honor of this fact, I present you with the Top 5 Awkward Celebrities:

1. Michael Jackson: Doesn’t really need an explanation but here’s a quick rundown. Has been charged multiple times with pedophilia, was acquitted in spite of overwhelming evidence (owned and lived at his own damn amusement park called “Neverland Ranch”! You can’t make this stuff up.) His nose has been falling off for years, has permanent makeup tattooed on his face, evidently decided to switch races, speaks in a soft little-girl voice, once dangled his own child (whose name is BLANKET) off a hotel balcony…etc etc. You get the picture.


2. Tom Cruise: Used to be hot but couldn’t suppress the awkward. It always comes out eventually. It all started when he decided to fire his manager in 2005 and began speaking for himself in public. This is never a good idea. His derisive devotion to Scientology, his visible brainwashing of Katie Holmes, and his constant wearing of platform shoes to mask his short-guy syndrome have combined to bring Tom from hot to…friggin weird.

3. Lindsay Lohan and her family: Truly an awkward mess. It didn’t have to be this way. Lindsay showed so much promise early in her acting career with such films as “The Parent Trap.” Unfortunately, she hit her peak with 2004’s “Mean Girls,” since which she has become a tabloid staple due to the following: being a slut/alcoholic/drug addict, getting arrested, spending time in rehab (thrice times), and so on. Her family hasn’t helped matters, either. Her mother is a ridiculous ex-cokeslut who is currently whoring out Lindsay’s younger sister Ali on an E! reality show. Her father was in jail for awhile and upon being released declared himself an ordained minister, yet constantly talks smack to the press about Lindsay’s personal life and his divorce from Lindsay’s mother. Recently, a woman has come forward alleging that Michael Lohan is the real father of her now 13 year old daughter, who looks exactly like him. It never ends with these people. 

4. Jessica Simpson and her dad: Basically, Jessica might have turned out ok if it weren’t for her dad. His comment to Rolling Stone magazine a few years back, referring to Jessica’s boobs, “she’s got double D’s! You can’t cover those suckers up!” is the most awkward/gross/uncomfortable statement ever made by a father about his own daughter. Allegations that Papa Joe meddles with Jessica’s romantic relationships are unsurprising and further add the squickiness of this family.

5. Miley Cyrus and her dad: Seriously, WTF?! The girl is only 15 and she’s half-naked on the cover of Vanity Fair, looking like she just came out of a damn child brothel?! And then there’s the picture of her and her dad, with Miley laying across Billy Ray’s crotch with her shirt hiked up to her midriff, both of them looking tired yet satisfied from some forbidden father-daughter activity…it just doesn’t get much more awkward than that. GROSS.

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