Posts tagged Nicole Richie

The Daily “OMG! Grosstastic Celebrity Awkwardness” Update

July 28, 2008 · Filed under FAIL, Gross · Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Here we go folks! I know how much you need your fix of trashy celebrity news and criticism. Behold:

Kim Kardashian: Our bootylicious friend, Kim “Golden Shower” Kardashian, is at it again. She recently attended a McDonalds event that was held to celebrate the 40th anniversary of the Big Mac. She would. Look at that azzz and you can tell she’s had her share of Big Macs and Big MacDaddies, with a side of fries of course. And let me draw your attention to this g-Hetto outfit she has on. It’s like a safari guide meets a porn star. Where do you even find such a disgusting outfit? Put a shirt on! She clearly loves her tatas and believes that all her McDonalds fat munching has contributed to their plentifulness. I mean, look how pumped she is to be with that EPIC Big Mac cake! If her sister Khloe wasn’t the Incredible Hulk and demanded to eat three-quarters of the cake, then she would probably eat the whole thing! The Kardashians are the giants of the new millenium. Beware! There will probably be some weird Speilberg sci-fi thriller about them, and Tom Cruise will be the first one to get smooshed.

Nicole Richie: Aw damn. For a while she was actually dressing pretty nicely during that whole “I’m pregs and am glowing” stage. Now she is back to her atrocious wardrobe choices. Let’s take a look, shall we? As you can see, Nicole “Skeletor” Richie is wearing pants that are 5 sizes too big for her that just make her look shorter than she actually is. Where are her feet?! Show those fierce shoes that I know are hiding beneath! Come on, go to a tailor! Then we have the “I’m a tool, and wish I was a hippie” headband thingy, which is just lame. And finally, her signature BIG BUG EYE sunglasses. We barely get to see her without these insectilenses. Everything is just too big for her, making her look like an awkward mess/ a little kid dressing up in her mom’s clothes from the early 70s. Get with the times Miss. Richie.

 

Zac and Vanessa: All I have to say about this picture is that you KNOW he is saying “Do you think they know about me!?” And Vanessa replies with “Umm, yeah Zac. Wanna go shopping now? I think this appointment on the beach to promote the movie by seeming affectionate was over 5 minutes ago. I need to go send some more naked pictures to my real boyfriend out there.”

 

Miley Cyrus: Here she is at some charity event to make her seem like a wholesome person who is concerned with the world and the environment and starving children in Africa and so on, and so forth. What makes this picture awkward? HER SNAGGLE TEETH! With all this money she is getting from psyched tweens across the globe, you would think she would have enough money to get her teeth fixed! Stop trying to make the snaggle teeth your trademark. Kirsten Dunst has already tried that, and she is just slipping into B-List oblivion. SUMMARY: GET BRACES OR INVISALIGN. Maybe we should just tell her that more boys will want her if she has straight teeth, and she won’t have to take provocative pictures anymore. That might convince her.

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Celebrity Fashion Faux-Pas

July 19, 2008 · Filed under FAIL, Gross, self-awkwardness · Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Ok folks, grab your notebooks and colorful gel pens and listen up! Professor Turtle is going to enlighten you on the top 5 most awkward celebrity trends of the moment. It shocks such an intelligent, and wise snapping turtle such as myself, to see these rich celebrities, who have all the money and fashion advice in the world, wearing the ugliest shit ever! Without further ado, THE list:

 

1. Ankle Booties: What happens when you cross a FIERCE high-heeled pump, with a FIERCE boot? A fugly ELF shoe! WTF. I cannot comprehend these Santa-helper-esque shoes! Not only do they clash with everything, but they also are INSTANT-CANKLE makers! No one wants cankles! *Shiver* My worst nightmare. Yet, celebs think they look hott especially when they pair them with a mini skirt or dress. Here is Kate “My son looks like a little girl” Hudson looking whorendous, like an elf who got stuck in the silver wrapping paper machine:

 

2. Maxi Dresses: Ok, ok. Let’s face it, they aren’t THAT bad. But they are described with the word maxi, which just reminds me of a maxi pad, which is grosskward. These dresses could potentially be cute, but celebs, like Jessica “My father ogles at my boobs” Simpson, totally pick the wrong ones. They are simply “cover the bloat” dresses, which generate all those pregnancy and “OMG DID SHE GAIN WEIGHT?!” rumors. Point: Maxi dresses are totally worn to make you look gross so you get more media and tabloid attention. Don’t do it, because you won’t get the attention, and be left just looking like a pad. Here is Nicole “Skeletor” Richie for Tampax:

 

3. Jeans Tucked Into Strappy Sandals: OMFG WTF. I have no words. Ogle at the disgustingness on your own. Here is Kim “Golden Shower” Kardashian sporting this egregious look:

 

4. One-Piece Suits: Come on now! This wasn’t even a good look in the 60s and 70s when people were high as kites on pot, lsd, and acid ALL AT THE SAME TIME. There is no need to bring this back. You end up looking like a lame-ass crayon, and have a higher likelihood of getting a wedgie. Narsty. You know it’s a bad look if Ri-“WTF is my last name”-hanna wears it:

 

5. Leggings: I am referring in particular to the shiny ones that celebs such as Lindsay Lohan, Rihanna (again!), Nicky Hilton, and Heidi Klum, have been known to wear recently. I understand that every woman has a strong desire to be Cat Woman, but let’s face it, unless you are jacked and can walk around with a Photoshop filter around you, you just don’t look good in these! Even the skinny celebs end up having a camel toe, and looking like a mix between a dominatrix, a trash bag, and a leather glove– a bad combo, as evidenced by this picture of Nicky “Fuglier than my sister” Hilton:

 

 

Fashionistas- BEWARE!

Class dismissed!

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