Yeah, yeah. I know what you are going to say. The daily update hasn’t been very… daily. I just haven’t been inspired by the celebs these days. I’m sick of Katie Holmes’ pegged jeans, the constant birthing of babies, and the well, decent behavior. Believe it or not, I totally miss the bygone days of “It” girl DUIs, arrests, prison sentences, Britney Spears’ breakdowns, and general ridiculousness. The “It” thing used to be to get a DUI, and now it’s to have a baby. DUIs are so much juicier and awkward. You get those awesome mug shots, reports from police, pictures of celebs crying. It makes us normal, but celeb-obsessed people feel great about our lives.
But anyways, let’s get to the daily goss.
Lindsay Lohan: You know, I’m glad she is happy, and sober, and all that feel-good schtuff, but I’m having a hard time believing she is actually dating Samantha Ronson. Lindz just loves the men too much. Remember that time she went to Italy and hooked up with 3 dudes in a 24 hour period? She is a 1st Class HoHanbag. Look at her. She made leggings with KNEEPADS. She’s trying to help out her fellow sluts! Now, she is ruining her reputation! Being with the same person for an extended period of time is unheard of! Unacceptable! And to top it all off, this subject of her attention is a girl with the fugliest vanilla/chocolate swirl dye job ever. I think HoHanbag is just experimenting, or just really connects with Samdawg. I wouldn’t be suprised if she went back to the men. She can’t stay away! It’s not in her nature! In the words of the LA sheriff, I think she has just “gone gay” for Samdawg, and probably to get constant attention.
David Cook: This supposed “heartthrob” looks like he has Down Syndrome in this picture. I have no problem with people that actually have Down Syndrome. It’s just awkward when you look like you have it when you actually don’t. Sort of like when people look pregnant, and people congratulate them on the good news, but actually it’s just a pot belly. AWKWARDDDD.
Katie Holmes: Even Suri thinks those jeans are freaking disgusting. She is trying to convince her SugaMama to stop wearing those same pair of pants everyday, and wear other articles from her ENORMOUS wardrobe. This chick has money! She doesn’t HAVE to wear the same pair of pants everyday. And what is with the fly flap always being open so the world can see that she has to button up those pants instead of zippering?! I always hated button up pants. It made going to the bathroom a lot more difficult. I think I know what this chick’s deal is all about though. She never went through the awkward teen years, as evidenced by Dawson’s Creek. She just skipped right over it! And now she feels an awkwardness void. She feels like a brainwashed robot, and just wants to be a real person! I bet Pinocchio inspired her. Doing awkward shit, and looking awkward is mandatory in order to be considered a human. She is rebelling against Tom de Napoleon by wearing fugly 90s-inspired pegged genes, and Clark Kent glasses. The pants are a throwback to her days of unawkward teenhood, so she can try to channel awkwardness. And the glasses? Well, those are what we like to call a cry for help. Tom de FAIL didn’t let her be in The Dark Knight which was a HUGEEEE party foul, so now she is convincing the world that she should be in the next Superman movie. Hun, Superman was NEVER as cool as Batman. He doesn’t have a BatMobile. Deal-breaker.
Demi Moore: A picture sure does say 1000 words. Ashton and Cameron DIAZaster are totally doing nasty times together. Their sexual tension even permeates out of the picture and slaps the viewer in the face. Demi knows it. Look at her face. She is fighting back the tears. But don’t be fooled. Demi’s tears are not a sign of weakness. They are TEARS OF RAGE. She is plotting DIAZster’s downfall. You don’t eff with an age-defying woman. Demi and Chuck Norris should totally hook up.
Lily Allen: W T F. Why is she carrying around a toilet?! She should have hired some dude to do this! Lily will now forever be known as The Porcelain Queen. Such royalty should also start wearing a bra. So pointy right now.
Le Awkward Turtle 
