I don’t know if this is just something that happens where I live or if it goes on everywhere else, but it’s awkward every time I encounter it, which is to say like once a week. Ok. I seem to have a particular penchant for going into convenience stores and getting stuck in line behind a Scratch-Ticket Guy. They are always the same: middle-aged or older, wearing a rank-smelling flannel shirt, possessing the voice of a million cigarettes, the jaundice of a longstanding gallon-a-day whiskey habit, and an aura of callousness so thick it makes pea soup look lame. They stand hunched-over at the counter, exhorting the cashier for various scratch tickets, but not just ANY scratch tickets. They’ve got to have their special “lucky” tickets, which is ironic because by the looks of these dudes, they’ve been down on their “luck” for a long time. “Gimme one’a the Crazy Eights,” they rasp impatiently, “and ahhhh, two’a the Lucky Dice…ahhhh, one’a the Wild Cherries…NO, not that one, the other one…ahhhh actually, gimme two’a the Instant Bingos instead…” and on and on. Meanwhile a line of customers is forming behind the guy, all of whom just want to pay for their gas and get the hell out of there. But Scratch-Ticket Guy cannot be rushed. Today, he thinks, is going to be different from yesterday. Today, he’s gonna get that magic ticket. Ten minutes later, when it’s all over he will shuffle off to his rusting Ford pickup truck, mumbling to himself all the while. It will then take me 45 seconds to pay for my gas and a bottle of water and be on my way. As I walk out to my car, I see Scratch-Ticket Guy cursing in the driver’s seat of his idling pickup as he furiously scratches the tickets and finds not luck but frustration. This experience will drive him to hit the whiskey bottle and chain smoke for the rest of the day. It will not, however, deter him from coming back to the store tomorrow to buy another round of tickets. And thus the cycle continues.
Look, I realize there is a certain sadness about the Scratch-Ticket Guy and I’m not trying to make fun of him so much as RAISE AWARENESS of the fact that gambling is addicting and if a person has an addiction, it creates awkwardness for a lot of people around them. So, kids, avoid getting addicted to things as much as possible! Don’t become the Scratch-Ticket Guy.
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Things that are Awkward: The Scratch-Ticket Guy
The Morning-After
Let’s pay some homage to one of the most awkward and gross life experiences a person can have: the morning-after. You know the feeling. You wake up, head throbbing like someone just took a huge steaming dump on your brain. A look around the room snaps your mind out of its sleep and alcohol-addled confusion and confirms your worst suspicion: you went home with a stranger last night. In fact, the stranger (you forgot his name) is laying naked on the bed right next to you, stinking profusely of stale gin, sweat, cigarette smoke and extraneous bodily fluids and gases. The sight/smell of this person is offensive to you for many reasons, the biggest being that their existence at this moment in your life suddenly and inexorably brings your self-esteem to a new low. Shit, you think. I slept with THAT?! DO I REALLY HAVE NO STANDARDS OR MORALS?!?!
It gets worse. You notice that the bed upon which the two of you have apparently enjoyed carnal relations is devoid of any sheets or bedclothes. A bare mattress, stained yellow in places, was the setting of your coital passions. Condom wrappers are strewn about the room. Viagra tablets litter the nightstand. You see some blankets on the floor, also variously stained, which bear the pattern of various Sesame Street characters. And yet, as you gaze upon The Mistake in the bed next to you, you can readily ascertain that this person is at least 45 years old. This brings back a hazy memory from the night before, wherein one of your friends kept saying that the dude you were flirting with kinda looked…old. “No way! He’s like a couple years older than us at most,” you’d insisted. “Plus he’s so nice and funny! AND he looks JUST LIKE PAUL RUDD only without the chin!” Now you see that in fact, he does look old, and he looks more like Paul Newman than Paul Rudd. Gross.
Panic begins to set in. Vomit rises in the esophagous.There is only one way out of a situation such as this, and that is this: ESCAPE. As quickly and quietly as possible. Leave no trace of your having been there. Above all, DO NOT WAKE THE OLD GUY UP!!
You collect your clothes from the trail they form from the bedroom to the front door. But, shit! You forgot your car keys in the bedroom. Back to the scene of the crime you go….and behold….OLD GUY IS AWAKE. Awkward!
You make eye contact with him, stammer something unintelligible, and then RUN out the door without having gotten your keys. Once outside, you blink against the glaring sunlight, which only serves to illuminate the aura of dirtiness and sin about you. You have no idea where you are, but that is okay. You’ll catch a cab, hitchhike, walk home if need be. Anything but stay and confront what happened last night. Anything but deal with your conscience.
Nobody Likes a Stalker
Kids, remember this lesson. It is as important as “eat your veggies,” “say no to drugs,” and “don’t dry-hump the cat.” Today’s subject is stalking. Get out your notebooks and pens and turn your rapt attention to Professor Turtle.
Exhibit A: “Nice”-seeming Guy
Exhibit B: Girl who is awesome
Scenario: Guy hangs out with girl one night. It’s a first date situation so it’s awkward as hell. Both girl and guy have a few beers to loosen up, an age-old method for lubrication of feigned social skills. Unfortunately, this method can cause more damage than good. For instance, in this particular scenario, it causes guy to become over-eager and interpret signals from girl that aren’t really there. At the end of the night, guy feels entitled to the good-night kiss. Girl decides to humor him and let him wrangle her tongue for a quick second cuz he seems like a nice guy, plus he bought her dinner and she feels bad for not being interested in him. Unfortunately for her, this moment of acquiescence is interpreted by guy as a full-on makeout opportunity, replete with grab-assing and body-grinding. Girl, perturbed, finally extricates herself from guy’s clutches and the evening ends. Phew, she thinks, glad that’s over.
Unfortunately for her, it’s only just beginning.
It starts with the phone calls. One a day at first, then three a day, culminating invariably in innocuous-sounding voice mail messages imploring her to call him back so they can make plans for the next weekend. Girl is mildly annoyed by these messages at first seeing as she has absolutely no intent to call this guy back, let alone set up another date. She becomes increasingly annoyed when he begins texting her daily IN ADDITION to the phone calls/voice mails. Her annoyance is further piqued by guy’s use of smiley and winky faces in his text messages (note to guys out there: HUGE turnoff!!! DO NOT use the smilies if you’re trying to woo a girl! Automatic FAIL. Trust.) When he begins writing on her facebook wall, “heyyyy why haven’t you called me back? 
” 3 weeks after their date, girl knows she officially has a problem on her hands. Does guy not know how to take a hint? Or does guy not WANT to take a hint?!
You might say girl is part of the problem by being unresponsive to guy’s overtures instead of being straightforward with him and telling him she’s not interested. However, the latter can very easily lead to the following:
Girl: I don’t like you in that way.
Guy: WHY?! But..but you kissed me that night!! We had SUCH a good time! I don’t understand! Is there another man?! Is it something I said?! GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE!
Ugh. Girl could be more tactful about it, but then this might happen:
Girl: Yeah umm, I’m really busy right now with work and stuff and I don’t really have room for dating in my life, you’re a nice guy and all but it’s just not a good time. Sorry.
Guy: Well, we could still hang out sometimes, right? Like as friends? Or we could just go out every once in awhile, not be officially “dating”? I’d like to spend time with you any way I can!
Ughhh again. Best to avoid these two scenarios by pulling the old “disappearing act.”
The point is this: no one likes a stalker! It doesn’t matter if you’re a guy or a girl. Stalkers are just plain awkward. If you have one, I pity you. If you are one, I offer the following advice: STOP IT. Also, you need to be aware of the signs. If someone isn’t responding to your voice mails/emails/texts/carrier pigeons/skywriting/messages in bottles/etc., that’s a clear sign that THEY DON’T LIKE YOU!!!! Take the hint. They didn’t lose their phone, their computer didn’t die, a meteor didn’t hit their town, there is no family emergency. They just don’t like you. That is all. See the video above for a real-life illustration of this lesson.
The conclusion: Stalking = FAIL. Class dismissed!
The Turtle is in da House
This site is dedicated to the supereme art of Awkwardness. You know what I’m talking about. That shifty feeling you get when something happens that suddenly interrupts the seamless flow of life. It could be, say, your drunk uncle hitting on you at your cousin’s wedding. Or having to sit silently in your cubicle at work while your co-worker next door mercilessly lets out rancid farts, accompanied by grunting noises, of which the rest of your co-workers seem blissfully unaware. Whatever the case may be, it is an indisputable fact that awkwardness happens everyday. It doesn’t discriminate, either. It doesn’t care if you’re good-looking or not, young or old, rich or poor, Canadian or Eurasian, etc etc. Its effects can be devastating. Awkwardness, like death, is truly the Great Equalizer.
Le Awkward Turtle was created to help people deal with this problem in their lives. We will offer awkward resources and anecdotes on a daily basis, and we encourage you to share your own uncomfortable experiences in the hopes that we all may one day be free of this scourge. Huzzah!!
