Le Awkward Turtle

Let’s get going here. Sweden stole me for a bit, and I arrived home today to realize all the celebrity gossip that I missed (Jennifer “I am completely nice but utterly boring” Garner-Affleck is pregs again, Kim “Golden Shower” Kardashian is still whoretastic, and Lindsay “I peaked in 2004″ Lohan is still trying to convince us she is a lesbian)! Stuck in the middle of Sweden gazing in astonishment at the plethora of manpris and speedos, I was removed from any sort of contact with the outside world. Sure, sure. “Nice and relaxing.” Whatever. It’s time for our long overdue celebrity fix!

Mariah Carey: Come on girlfrannnnnnd. First of all, she ALWAYS looks the same. Mini skirt, top that shows off her cleavage, and a chinsy-looking pair of gold hoops that you could probably find at Claire’s for $1. And what is this big hype about her legs?! I’ve seen better! Nothing out of the ordinary. Oh, and let’s back peddle to the previous post. What fashion faux-pas is she commiting?! DING DING DING! Effing ankle booties. Your legs aren’t fabbb and the ankle booties just achieve cankle-mania.  

Get a new stylist Mariah, for goodness sake! Awkward Mess!

Daniel Radcliffe: Ok Danny boy, let’s get  something straight. You will never be anything other than Harry Potter no matter how naked you get, or how much facial hair you try to grow. Or maybe in recent events, how much eyebrow hair you grow! Daniel “Snail Trail” Radcliffe has recently been spotted sporting catepillars above his eyes as some sort of accessory, along with a beard stolen from a billy goat. Baaaaaaaaa…..FAIL!

3. Zac Efron: This kid needs to come out of the closet already, and date Lance Bass. For serious. He has been known to wear bronzer, eyeliner, and wear more hair product than a girl, and that is only the beginning! Hollywood claims that he and “High School Musical lover” (blech) Vanessa “I’m a skank-ho who took naked pictures like Miley Cyrus” Hudgens are dating, but OH WAIT! You never see them together unless a HSM premier is approaching! Sightings have been made recently in Turks and Caicos, and oop, it’s that time! HSM: Senior Year (how the hell do I know this!?) is coming out in a few weeks time. But let’s shift our focus to this extraordinarily gross and awkward picture taken of him only a few days ago by playing a little game. Find all the gay attributes of Zac Efron. I’ll give you a few lines so you can at least pretend to play the game, and not cheat immediately.

Ok, enough.

1. THE PONY TAIL: The guy, oops I mean GIRL, is sporting a half-up, half-down hairdo, to keep his bangs out of his eyes. What dude has such long bangs anyways besides emo kids?! 

2. THE MAN-BAG: He probably borrowed it from Vanessa, who considers him her Gay Best Friend (GBF).I’m sure he’d be awesome to shop with. His clothes fit better than what most girls wear. Maybe Mariah should hire him. 

3. THE MANPRIS: Very few straight men can pull this off, and when an exception is made, he is usually a European, where manpris are much more accepted and common. Zac on the otherhand? Looking lame as hell. 

4. THE HIGH HEELS: Ok, ok. You can’t see his feet, but I wouldn’t be surprised. Every other detail points in that direction.  

Anyways, I’m jet-lagged, so peace out! Expect an update on the SWEDISH STYLE OF AWKWARDNESS. Until then, Good Night, and Good Luck.