Le Awkward Turtle

Ok folks, grab your notebooks and colorful gel pens and listen up! Professor Turtle is going to enlighten you on the top 5 most awkward celebrity trends of the moment. It shocks such an intelligent, and wise snapping turtle such as myself, to see these rich celebrities, who have all the money and fashion advice in the world, wearing the ugliest shit ever! Without further ado, THE list:

1. Ankle Booties: What happens when you cross a FIERCE high-heeled pump, with a FIERCE boot? A fugly ELF shoe! WTF. I cannot comprehend these Santa-helper-esque shoes! Not only do they clash with everything, but they also are INSTANT-CANKLE makers! No one wants cankles! *Shiver* My worst nightmare. Yet, celebs think they look hott especially when they pair them with a mini skirt or dress. Here is Kate “My son looks like a little girl” Hudson looking whorendous, like an elf who got stuck in the silver wrapping paper machine:

2. Maxi Dresses: Ok, ok. Let’s face it, they aren’t THAT bad. But they are described with the word maxi, which just reminds me of a maxi pad, which is grosskward. These dresses could potentially be cute, but celebs, like Jessica “My father ogles at my boobs” Simpson, totally pick the wrong ones. They are simply “cover the bloat” dresses, which generate all those pregnancy and “OMG DID SHE GAIN WEIGHT?!” rumors. Point: Maxi dresses are totally worn to make you look gross so you get more media and tabloid attention. Don’t do it, because you won’t get the attention, and be left just looking like a pad. Here is Nicole “Skeletor” Richie for Tampax:

3. Jeans Tucked Into Strappy Sandals: OMFG WTF. I have no words. Ogle at the disgustingness on your own. Here is Kim “Golden Shower” Kardashian sporting this egregious look:

4. One-Piece Suits: Come on now! This wasn’t even a good look in the 60s and 70s when people were high as kites on pot, lsd, and acid ALL AT THE SAME TIME. There is no need to bring this back. You end up looking like a lame-ass crayon, and have a higher likelihood of getting a wedgie. Narsty. You know it’s a bad look if Ri-”WTF is my last name”-hanna wears it:

5. Leggings: I am referring in particular to the shiny ones that celebs such as Lindsay Lohan, Rihanna (again!), Nicky Hilton, and Heidi Klum, have been known to wear recently. I understand that every woman has a strong desire to be Cat Woman, but let’s face it, unless you are jacked and can walk around with a Photoshop filter around you, you just don’t look good in these! Even the skinny celebs end up having a camel toe, and looking like a mix between a dominatrix, a trash bag, and a leather glove– a bad combo, as evidenced by this picture of Nicky “Fuglier than my sister” Hilton:

Fashionistas- BEWARE!

Class dismissed!