Kids, remember this lesson. It is as important as “eat your veggies,” “say no to drugs,” and “don’t dry-hump the cat.” Today’s subject is stalking. Get out your notebooks and pens and turn your rapt attention to Professor Turtle.
Exhibit A: “Nice”-seeming Guy
Exhibit B: Girl who is awesome
Scenario: Guy hangs out with girl one night. It’s a first date situation so it’s awkward as hell. Both girl and guy have a few beers to loosen up, an age-old method for lubrication of feigned social skills. Unfortunately, this method can cause more damage than good. For instance, in this particular scenario, it causes guy to become over-eager and interpret signals from girl that aren’t really there. At the end of the night, guy feels entitled to the good-night kiss. Girl decides to humor him and let him wrangle her tongue for a quick second cuz he seems like a nice guy, plus he bought her dinner and she feels bad for not being interested in him. Unfortunately for her, this moment of acquiescence is interpreted by guy as a full-on makeout opportunity, replete with grab-assing and body-grinding. Girl, perturbed, finally extricates herself from guy’s clutches and the evening ends. Phew, she thinks, glad that’s over.
Unfortunately for her, it’s only just beginning.
It starts with the phone calls. One a day at first, then three a day, culminating invariably in innocuous-sounding voice mail messages imploring her to call him back so they can make plans for the next weekend. Girl is mildly annoyed by these messages at first seeing as she has absolutely no intent to call this guy back, let alone set up another date. She becomes increasingly annoyed when he begins texting her daily IN ADDITION to the phone calls/voice mails. Her annoyance is further piqued by guy’s use of smiley and winky faces in his text messages (note to guys out there: HUGE turnoff!!! DO NOT use the smilies if you’re trying to woo a girl! Automatic FAIL. Trust.) When he begins writing on her facebook wall, “heyyyy why haven’t you called me back? 
” 3 weeks after their date, girl knows she officially has a problem on her hands. Does guy not know how to take a hint? Or does guy not WANT to take a hint?!
You might say girl is part of the problem by being unresponsive to guy’s overtures instead of being straightforward with him and telling him she’s not interested. However, the latter can very easily lead to the following:
Girl: I don’t like you in that way.
Guy: WHY?! But..but you kissed me that night!! We had SUCH a good time! I don’t understand! Is there another man?! Is it something I said?! GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE!
Ugh. Girl could be more tactful about it, but then this might happen:
Girl: Yeah umm, I’m really busy right now with work and stuff and I don’t really have room for dating in my life, you’re a nice guy and all but it’s just not a good time. Sorry.
Guy: Well, we could still hang out sometimes, right? Like as friends? Or we could just go out every once in awhile, not be officially “dating”? I’d like to spend time with you any way I can!
Ughhh again. Best to avoid these two scenarios by pulling the old “disappearing act.”
The point is this: no one likes a stalker! It doesn’t matter if you’re a guy or a girl. Stalkers are just plain awkward. If you have one, I pity you. If you are one, I offer the following advice: STOP IT. Also, you need to be aware of the signs. If someone isn’t responding to your voice mails/emails/texts/carrier pigeons/skywriting/messages in bottles/etc., that’s a clear sign that THEY DON’T LIKE YOU!!!! Take the hint. They didn’t lose their phone, their computer didn’t die, a meteor didn’t hit their town, there is no family emergency. They just don’t like you. That is all. See the video above for a real-life illustration of this lesson.
The conclusion: Stalking = FAIL. Class dismissed!
